Ladymen

My children like to chatter...a lot. I have come to learn that they are verbally advanced for their 2 years, but I assume it's because they are twins and constantly have someone else to talk with. And because they are so ridiculously adorable they always attract attention when we are out and about. Being the flirts that they are they respond to this attention by saying "hi" and "bye" to everyone. But since they don't know everyone's name, the general public will hear "hi man" or "hi lady" as we pass by. This becomes a bit awkward when you see individuals whose appearances don't fit into the typical gender classifications. For example, a person with long hair will sometimes have a penis making them a man. A two-year old doesn't always get this concept.

We were at the grocery store the other day and heading through the checkout. I should have looked a the cashier first because I could sense a very awkward situation approaching. The person was very slight with long hair and feminine feature...and a large adams apple. Yep. A dude. A girly looking one, but a dude nonetheless. And being the friendly person he is, my one son smiled, waved and called out "hi lady!". Great. I leaned over to him and quietly whispered "that's a man honey. He sort of looks like a lady but he's a man". My son thought for a moment, smiled again, waved and then called out "hi ladyman". Wow. Awkward!

Is This An Emergency?

I love how people view the emergency services in our health care system.

If your doctor calls ahead - then it must be an emergency. Wrong! It just means that your family doctor is too lazy to treat you properly or is sick and tired of you whining about your problem and is dumping you off on us. Your belly pain for 3 months is still not an emergency even if you doctor has sent you in with a note or called ahead. The same principle applies to TeleHealth. Believe it or not, having a headache does not mean you have an intercranial hemorrhage and having a cough does not mean you are on the verge of respiratory distress. And I don't care if the TeleHealth nurse said they were going to fax something to me. I still need to triage you, assess you and 99.9% of the time you will have to wait just like everyone else.

If you arrive by ambulance - then it must be an emergency. Wrong! It just means that you are hoping that you will be seen by a doctor sooner. And can you please explain to me why your five other family members who followed you in with their cars were unable to bring you and your sore leg (that you incidentally took Advil for after the ambulance arrived) were unable to bring you? Sorry, but you will now spend the next several hours being babysat by paramedics who could be out dealing with individuals having chest pain or getting into serious accidents which your entourage waits for you in the waiting room because the doctor is too busy dealing with real emergencies like children who can't breathe and...wait...what's that? Your leg feels better? As in "the Advil I took after the ambulance arrived is working" feels better? Well there's a shocker!

If you come in with a problem that has been bothering you for two years and you had some time to kill this evening - then it must be an emergency. Wrong! This is something that your family doctor should be dealing with. This is obviously not a life threatening problem if it has been going on for two years...and tonight you are here because it just won't go away. So please stop asking me how long the wait is (you are obviously very patient if you have waited two years to have it investigated), don't assume that we are going to do MRIs, CTs, ultrasounds, etc. in the next two hours and diagnose you because those tests are reserved for patients with true emergent problems and when the doctor orders you a needle full of something to temporarily help your problem, don't freak out on me and tell me how much you hate needles. You should have thought of that over the last two years when you had the opportunity to take the white pills known as Tylenol sitting in your cupboard at home.

There. Rant done.

Practical Joke Fail

I have a friend at work who is sort of like a little sister. We get each other's sense of humour and she's a bit of an old soul as I can be once in a while. However our inner adolescents like to come out once in a while. A couple of months back we were having a quiet shift and I started teasing her via texting (this was pre AssPhones...see previous post for further info). She then attempted to make a homemade water gun out of a glove. That attempt failed terribly and left my lower back (and other body parts) soaking wet. Being the big sister I decided to take it upon myself to educate my friend on how to do a practical joke. So on her break another colleague and I wrapped up her car in toilet paper and paper towel. It was by far one of the best car toilet paper jobs ever. I was quite proud of my self until I got a call 45 minutes before shift change. Apparently we had toilet papered...the WRONG CAR! Yikes!

Practical joke fail!

Tampon Man

And the award for the most innovative patient goes to (insert drumroll here):

The man who showed up with a bad nosebleed and a tampon in each nostril. They're super absorbent and expand to fit all your natural curves!

Vibrate Mode

Yikes! I sort of fell off the grid there for a while! You know how life throws those crazy curveballs at you though. Running out of milk, doing laundry, taking the kiddies swimming, feeding the dog..and before you know it it's been two months since a blog entry has been logged.

Life in the ER continues on as normal. We just moved into a new department a year ago. Everything is shiny and new...well, WAS shiny and new. New monitors, new portable ultrasound machine, new stretchers, new toilet paper holders that allow your 15 second pee break to become a 5 minute one as you desperately try to rip off enough paper from the roll, new tracking system...the list goes on. Our newest addition? Small portable phones that allow you to call the separate departments, charge nurse and docs. I assumed that our tracking system was what was supposed to help us figure out where people are, but whatever. It even allows us to text. This lovely feature is used quite a bit I discovered when going through the phone history one night. It included medically relevant texts such as "hey blue zone nurse you look hot in your orange shirt" and "i want to kill dr (insert name)". On the front of these phones is the brand nam AsCom. We have appropriately renamed these the AssPhones. Anyone fortunate enough to carry these around will put them in their back pocket..and turn it on vibrate. I have yet to have to carry one of these around, however I think I now know why the charge nurses look so much happier these days!

For All The Young And The Restless Fans

Nurse Colleague: Do you know your name?

Confused Old Lady: Mrs. Smith

Nurse Colleague: And can you tell me where you are?

Confused Old Lady: Katherine Chancellor's house

High Demand

So I've mentioned that I have two kids. They're both boys. Both two...tomorrow. For all those geniuses out there, yes, I have twins. And like all moms I think that my kids are just the cutest ever. But in this case - they are. Seriously. Picture bleach blonde hair, big blue eyes, chubby cheeks and smiles that light up a room. Those are my boys. I'm not the only ones who think they are the cutest. I have already had one proposal of marriage from their 5-year-old friend (who didn't understand why he couldn't marry both of them). I also had a rather sweet offer the other day. Another 5-year-old friend asked if I had a big brother for my boys. I smiled and said no. He then informed me that he was offering to be their big brother. Ok - so maybe that kid is the cutest ever!