A Lesson For All

A very intoxicated 16 year old enters triage:

Me: So what can I do for you today?

Drunk 16 yr-old (slurring her words): I had a lot to drink....only Sir Sam's...no drugs...I don't do that and I was outside and now my hands are yellow. And before my face was yellow.

Concerned Mother: Yeah, it's weird. She was outside for a long time and now her hands are yellow! They aren't going to fall off are they???

Me: What were you doing outside? Where were you?

Drunk 16 yr-old: Just at McDonalds. Nowhere else. I had fries and a milkshake. But no drugs. Are my hands going to fall off?

Me: Did you try washing your hands?

It was at this point I grabbed some cleaning solution, put them on a gauze and started to wipe the patient's hands...and amazingly whatever yellow crap was on them wiped off onto the gauze!

Me: Maybe you should have washed your hands.

Concerned Mother: So her hands aren't going to fall off?

And this boys and girls is the reason that some people should not be allowed to reproduce. I thank you for your attention.

Gas Exchange

This really doesn't have anything to do with anything but thought I would share this with the world. I am sitting here catching up on my blog readings and listening to my 2 1/2 year old twin boys fake burp in bed. They "burp" then say "fart" (apparently any source of gas is a fart) then start giggling. Ok, honestly, I don't know who is giggling harder right now - me or them.

Brilliance Personified

Me: So what brought you to the ER today?

Brilliant Mother: Well my kid's been coughing a lot since last night and I thought I should bring her in

Me: It says on the chart here that she had Ventolin at 0500 today.

Brilliant Mother: Yep. And it worked for a while.

Me: Well it's now 10 pm, has she had any since then?

Brilliant Mother: No and she's still coughing

Me: Really? (inside voice: SHOCKING!!) Well you do realize that the Ventolin is to help with the coughing that is related to her asthma. If you don't give it then she won't get better.

Brilliant Mother: Yeah....I guess.

Brilliant Mother left with her offspring with instructions by the doctor to use her Ventolin puffer. And the Canadian tax payers were charged $350.

My Little Hypochondriac

One of my sons is a hypochondriac. Fabulous. A feather can brush against his finger and he will then carry on for the next ten minutes about his sore finger...about how he needs mommy to kiss it better...about how it is going to fall off...about how there is going to be a nuclear holocaust if someone doesn't stop the North Korean regime before it's too late. Ok - he might not use words like Holocaust...he is only 2 1/2 after all. He also has this new excuse when he doesn't want to do something..."my (insert body part) hurts". I looked at him the other day after his 42nd body part of the day had been injured/hurt and said "I know that you don't understand what I'm about to say to you, bust you really have the wrong mother to be trying to pulling such stunts. I am in a profession where I know what it means to have something hurt and believe me - you are not hurt. And trust me, it is only going to get harder and harder for you to try and convince me otherwise". My 2 1/2 year old just looked at me and ran off to play with his fire truck...his decrepit, painful, injured body suddenly and magically cured. For the time being at least.

A Financial Plan

Dear CEO of My Hospital:

I know that times are tough. I can only imagine the stress that you must feel when budgeting for our hospital, when the province is breathing down your neck to try and cut your budget meanwhile you are serving a community that continues to grow at breakneck speed. There is a very good reason that you are in charge of such things and I am not. I have recently learned how to financially manage my own household, although I still have a long way to go. I do, however, have one suggestion on how you can save hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

Please explain to me why if I would like a hospital porter to clean a bed, transfer a patient or do any other task, that I have to call a number which directs me to a person 30 km a way so that they can then page the porter standing right in front of me to do exactly what I could have asked them to do. (No people in Bloggy-Land....I kid you not). And then then the porter has to pick up the phone to call you to tell you that they got the page and that, yes!, I can clean the bathroom.

Not only is this a complete waste of time, but you could save so much money by completely eliminating a ridiculous system. I would like you then to consider putting that money towards hiring nurses or more porters - people who are actually useful in the hospital. And if that is not an option, then the ER nurses would like to request a big screen tv and karaoke machine in the lounge.

Thank-you,

Supernurse.

Make Work Projects

Note to self: Make sure that when boosting a patient up in bed that you gauge how close you are to the wall first. Boosting your patient into the wall will only lead to a night of doing a head injury routine.

Whoops!

Waiting Room Etiquette

Just for the record:

It is never ok to call out "brown lady with a psych problem" just because you can't pronounce their 48 letter name. Just sayin'...